when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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