Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
