Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
