Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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