i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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