It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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