They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
