I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
