shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
