Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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