So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
