i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
