I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
