how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
