Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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