genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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