Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We left the knife in your bed.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
