im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She announced her abortion via fbk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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