I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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