felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
