Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
