What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
