Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
