she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
