I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
