I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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