i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
