can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
