The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
