She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
