I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Someone signed my nipple.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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