Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
