Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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