weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
