I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dick very happy bro
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
