can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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