So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
it's great music for shaving your balls
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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