I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
