I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
