2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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