Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
