I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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