i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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