I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
