Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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