i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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