at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
