I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think I am morally bankrupt
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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