he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I looked at my own cervix.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
