We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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