And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
