Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
