Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize