Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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