They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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