Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
