I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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