theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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