I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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