Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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